My Love Letters From God
Supernatural Encounter
Walking home from school, on the day that I planned to end my life, I felt remarkably free. I’d been ridiculed and bullied just like any other day. I’d sat hungry in the lunch room, watching the other kids eat, just like any other day…but this day was different, because I knew it was the last day, I’d have to suffer any of it.
Coming over the hill I saw that dilapidated trailer house where we lived with my mom’s new boyfriend, at the end of the road and thought to myself, that this would be the last time I’d walk into this empty house. I thought about how happy my mom could be, without me there. To some degree, I felt as though I was giving her a gift, the gift of my absence. I was sure no one would be home for hours, so I’d have plenty of time to commit suicide, without being interrupted. Stepping in the door, I tossed my bag to the floor and immedicately retrieved the shotgun from the master bedroom. I remember feeling at peace with the decision I’d made, as I calmly sat down on the sofa and put the barrel of the gun into my mouth. Exhausted from all the things I couldn’t talk about, this was a relief. I knew the shotgun was loaded, that’s how they kept it, but then something I hadn’t anticipated came up. My arms were too short. I couldn’t keep the end of the gun in my mouth, and reach the trigger at the same time. After struggling with it for a few seconds, panic took hold. I couldn’t believe it; I was failing at EVEN this. The freedom I’d enjoyed just moments ago on my walk home, gave way to a feeling of impending doom as my carefully laid out plan unraveled. I frantically searched for another way to die, but found nothing that could do the job with the certainty the gun had provided.
As the gravity of the situation gleaned, tears began to fall down my face, and rage surged through my body. “No!” I screamed. “I can’t do this anymore, it HAS to be TODAY! Everyone can be happy ‘cause I’ll be gone! Nobody’ll ever have to look at my stupid face again! I’ll just be GONE!” Then suddenly my knees buckled beneath me and I fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. “NO! No…please, this HAS to end today.”
At that moment I thought I was alone, but I wasn’t, and my life was about to change forever.
Like the turning of a page, the energy in the room shifted, as a supernatural wave of warmth washed over me, and began to radiate from within. There was a Presence in the room that enveloped every fiber of my being, causing the fear and panic to disipate. An energy that flowed through me with what I only know to describe as LOVE. Innately I knew this was my Creator, and He had enveloped me with a peace that surpassed all understanding. Then in a clear voice of Spirit, I felt Him say, “I know your life is hard, but I LOVE YOU. If you’ll just continue to walk through this, on the other side I’m going to give you a life beyond anything you can imagine. You are NOT alone, I am with you.”
Basking in this transcendent encounter, I contemplated what He’d just proposed. Until that moment, I hadn’t considered the possibly of surviving my childhood, and having a different life on the other side of it. I’d just assumed there was no possibility of me living long enough to become an adult. Therefore I couldn’t see any point in the suffering.
Living a life of abuse and neglect is much like being lost at sea, clinging only to a piece of drift wood. There are days that are peaceful enough, but the loneliness and hunger are still stark reminders that you’re alone. When the storms come as they inevitably will, you just check out mentally and hang on…instinctually trying to survive. But once the storm has passed, you become acutely aware of your injuries, thirst, and isolation. Coming to accept just how far you are from land, you think about the likelihood of ever being rescued, while considering the depth of the ocean, and what will most likely devour you in a violent frenzy from beneath the surface. At some point exhaustion and despair become all consuming, and you wonder why you’ve been trying so hard to hang on. But just now, before I’d planned to let go and sink into the abyss on my own terms, I was being offered life on a boat. God didn’t say my circumstances wouldn’t continue to be hard, or that I’d no longer be lost at sea, but that He’d be out there with me, and that IF I’d just endure these difficulties, somehow I’d survive this seemingly impossible situation and make it to safety. So contemplating all the details of what I’d have to go through on any given day…but imagining facing each challenge NOT alone but with Him, I surrendered.
For the first time in my life I felt the stirring of optimism, as feelings of hope ignited deep within me. Then as the last of my resistance fell to the floor of that old trailer house, I gave my consent. With only one stipulation, I signed up for whatever lie ahead whispering “Ok…I’ll do it, but don’t let go…don’t ever let go.”
The rest of the day felt surreal, and that night I fell into a deep sleep like nothing I’d ever known. It was as though I slept in the arms of a protective father, something else for which I had no point of reference. The next morning when I woke up, the world looked like a different place. On the outside nothing had changed, but something inside me, and the way I viewed the world was different. I began to understand something that day, that has taken me a lifetime to fully absorb. The reality we see with our eyes is not the whole picture, but rather a facade. The supernatural happenings behind what we can see in the natural, is what is actually influencing everything.
What happened that day rocked the very foundation of everything I thought I knew, and set in motion a metamorphosis. A transformation that would continue over the coming decades, and is still happening even as I write these words.
Supernatural Encounter
Walking home from school, on the day that I planned to end my life, I felt remarkably free. I’d been ridiculed and bullied just like any other day. I’d sat hungry in the lunch room, watching the other kids eat, just like any other day…but this day was different, because I knew it was the last day, I’d have to suffer any of it.
Coming over the hill I saw that dilapidated trailer house where we lived with my mom’s new boyfriend, at the end of the road and thought to myself, that this would be the last time I’d walk into this empty house. I thought about how happy my mom could be, without me there. To some degree, I felt as though I was giving her a gift, the gift of my absence. I was sure no one would be home for hours, so I’d have plenty of time to commit suicide, without being interrupted. Stepping in the door, I tossed my bag to the floor and immedicately retrieved the shotgun from the master bedroom. I remember feeling at peace with the decision I’d made, as I calmly sat down on the sofa and put the barrel of the gun into my mouth. Exhausted from all the things I couldn’t talk about, this was a relief. I knew the shotgun was loaded, that’s how they kept it, but then something I hadn’t anticipated came up. My arms were too short. I couldn’t keep the end of the gun in my mouth, and reach the trigger at the same time. After struggling with it for a few seconds, panic took hold. I couldn’t believe it; I was failing at EVEN this. The freedom I’d enjoyed just moments ago on my walk home, gave way to a feeling of impending doom as my carefully laid out plan unraveled. I frantically searched for another way to die, but found nothing that could do the job with the certainty the gun had provided.
As the gravity of the situation gleaned, tears began to fall down my face, and rage surged through my body. “No!” I screamed. “I can’t do this anymore, it HAS to be TODAY! Everyone can be happy ‘cause I’ll be gone! Nobody’ll ever have to look at my stupid face again! I’ll just be GONE!” Then suddenly my knees buckled beneath me and I fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. “NO! No…please, this HAS to end today.”
At that moment I thought I was alone, but I wasn’t, and my life was about to change forever.
Like the turning of a page, the energy in the room shifted, as a supernatural wave of warmth washed over me, and began to radiate from within. There was a Presence in the room that enveloped every fiber of my being, causing the fear and panic to disipate. An energy that flowed through me with what I only know to describe as LOVE. Innately I knew this was my Creator, and He had enveloped me with a peace that surpassed all understanding. Then in a clear voice of Spirit, I felt Him say, “I know your life is hard, but I LOVE YOU. If you’ll just continue to walk through this, on the other side I’m going to give you a life beyond anything you can imagine. You are NOT alone, I am with you.”
Basking in this transcendent encounter, I contemplated what He’d just proposed. Until that moment, I hadn’t considered the possibly of surviving my childhood, and having a different life on the other side of it. I’d just assumed there was no possibility of me living long enough to become an adult. Therefore I couldn’t see any point in the suffering.
Living a life of abuse and neglect is much like being lost at sea, clinging only to a piece of drift wood. There are days that are peaceful enough, but the loneliness and hunger are still stark reminders that you’re alone. When the storms come as they inevitably will, you just check out mentally and hang on…instinctually trying to survive. But once the storm has passed, you become acutely aware of your injuries, thirst, and isolation. Coming to accept just how far you are from land, you think about the likelihood of ever being rescued, while considering the depth of the ocean, and what will most likely devour you in a violent frenzy from beneath the surface. At some point exhaustion and despair become all consuming, and you wonder why you’ve been trying so hard to hang on. But just now, before I’d planned to let go and sink into the abyss on my own terms, I was being offered life on a boat. God didn’t say my circumstances wouldn’t continue to be hard, or that I’d no longer be lost at sea, but that He’d be out there with me, and that IF I’d just endure these difficulties, somehow I’d survive this seemingly impossible situation and make it to safety. So contemplating all the details of what I’d have to go through on any given day…but imagining facing each challenge NOT alone but with Him, I surrendered.
For the first time in my life I felt the stirring of optimism, as feelings of hope ignited deep within me. Then as the last of my resistance fell to the floor of that old trailer house, I gave my consent. With only one stipulation, I signed up for whatever lie ahead whispering “Ok…I’ll do it, but don’t let go…don’t ever let go.”
The rest of the day felt surreal, and that night I fell into a deep sleep like nothing I’d ever known. It was as though I slept in the arms of a protective father, something else for which I had no point of reference. The next morning when I woke up, the world looked like a different place. On the outside nothing had changed, but something inside me, and the way I viewed the world was different. I began to understand something that day, that has taken me a lifetime to fully absorb. The reality we see with our eyes is not the whole picture, but rather a facade. The supernatural happenings behind what we can see in the natural, is what is actually influencing everything.
What happened that day rocked the very foundation of everything I thought I knew, and set in motion a metamorphosis. A transformation that would continue over the coming decades, and is still happening even as I write these words.